Lately, I have been letting things get to me; just daily things that everyone in the world deals with everyday, like paying bills, and packing, and finishing end-of-the-year paperwork at school, and telling all my friends and co-workers goodbye. I am terrible at goodbyes. I would almost rather not say goodbye and leave thinking that I will see that person the next day rather than say goodbye and acknowledge that I may never see that person again.
My oldest son, Ethan, had a melt-down yesterday. He has chores that he has to do as soon as we get home from school before he can play with his neighborhood friend. Granted, these chores take approximately 15 minutes of his time, and his friend typically isn't home for at least 30 minutes after we get home, but it did not matter yesterday. He kicked the back of my seat in the car, complained about how much he hates chores, and how he wasn't going to do them, and promptly got sent to his room to cool off and to think about his attitude. He took a nap.
When I got home yesterday, I discovered that my house was crawling with unpleasant bugs. I crawled around on the floor spraying Windex and wiping the bug-riddled Windex mixture up with paper towels as Liam (who just turned 1) trailed behind me pulling along paper towels that were trailing behind him. Had I not been so upset about the bugs, the situation would have probably been comical. In the middle of doing that, I received a call about a bill from a doctor's office regarding Liam's birth over a year ago. I calmly spoke with the woman (who was very kind) because bills are not caused by the person calling to receive payment - it is not the woman's fault that we owe money. It is just the way of the world. Nevertheless, after our conversation, I called Dave and I had a melt-down, too. At that moment in time, I didn't feel like life could be any worse. But my mind is very small - and I realize that these are only small hiccups in the grand scheme of things. Some days, though, when everything in life is uncertain, and all the routines that have been established are slowly turning to chaos, and knowing that all the people that have been a constant in life will soon not be there, and knowing that the little boy who depends on his mom for structure and routine is struggling with the same huge life changes that his mom is struggling with - these are the days that the small hiccups don't feel small.
Last night after the boys were in bed, I took a moment for myself, just as Ethan did with his nap, except I took a hot shower, and then painted my nails...even my toe nails. Not that painted nails really help anything - they only make me feel good about myself, and dare I say it...even pretty. :) But what is more is that having time to not worry about all the things that moms constantly worry about was well received, and enjoyed. And for just a moment, I had a Great American Cookie Co. double doozy kind of day. In a very small-scale kind of way.
Dave and I alternate lifting each other up, and luckily, when I am down, he pulls me back up, and when he is down, I have been able to pull him back up. Hopefully, we will never both be down...I am sure we would just give up on life and sit on the couch eating potato chips while I cried, and he watched tv!
There are so many loose ends and changes that are taking place that it is hard to remember that we are not in charge, and it is not by our own timeline that things will happen. It is especially hard not to worry/fret. And as the birth of the twins gets closer, it is getting harder not to worry. I just have to keep reminding myself that God IS in control. Even when it doesn't feel like it. Even when things go wrong. Even when I have melt-downs. God is in control. Even though we are worried about the house selling, and being able to find somewhere in Texas to live. God is in control. Even when nothing is certain in the future (and nothing is EVER certain in the future.) God is in control. And that is all I need to remember.