“By my rambling digressions, I perceive myself to be grown old. I used to write more methodically, but one does not dress for private company as for a public ball.”
― Benjamin Franklin
Many of you have already read this blog. It belongs to my sister-in-law, Sarah Gale. I love reading her words when she talks about her babies and her family and how all of these things have changed her life. There is so much love, dedication...emotion in her writing that anyone who reads it can sense how deeply she cares about her children. And what is more, it is concise. She does not ramble. She shares her emotions with ease, and it. is. beautiful.
For the first several months after Dave and I found out that Emmett and Owen were conjoined, I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. My body failed them. My body failed nature. My body had failed me. These two precious boys were being punished for something that I had done - or because I was diabetic - or who knows why, but it was my fault. They would suffer the consequences of whatever I had done to cause this. I carried these thoughts with me everywhere. Everyday. And I didn't talk about any of it with anyone. Not even Dave because I knew I would cry if I talked about it, and I HATE crying in front of other people over something as silly as emotions. Strong emotions have always been one of my worst enemies. They make me look weak. They make me vulnerable. They make me dependent on someone else to 1) trust them 2) allow them to protect me from the world when I can't protect myself. Inevitably, though, there comes a point when one can't hold in one's fears any longer. That point came only a few weeks ago after I had packed my entire household onto a moving van and I had inconvenienced my dear family yet again. I called a close friend of mine while following the Penske truck, and as I held back the tears of being utterly overwhelmed by life in general, with my voice cracking, I told her that I felt like the entire upheaval of my family, the emotional roller coaster that Dave had been enduring, the move, the financial stresses, the twins condition - everything was my fault. All of it. And there was absolutely nothing I could do to correct it, or to save my twins from the pain they would endure. My babies would suffer the consequences of my sins.
What she said to me after I divulged all of this to her was epic. And as with meeting with the maternal-fetal specialist for the first time when he told us that our twins had a good chance of survival, I will never forget the overwhelming relief I felt because of the reference she made.
"As He passed by, He saw a man blind from birth. And His disciples asked Him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would he would be born blind?" Jesus answered, "It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him."
John 9:1-3 (NASB)
I cannot tell you what God has planned for these two little ones, but it must be something BIG. Even if it is 'only' to strengthen one's trust in God...
As the arrival of Emmett and Owen gets closer, I feel myself growing more and more anxious. Once they are born, I cannot keep them safe anymore; they will have to survive on their own (with the help of medical experts and modern medicine), but I will not be responsible for sustaining their precious lives. I will have given up control of their livelihood, and this my dear friends, is a difficult thing for a momma to do. I am fearful for their lives, though I have hopes and dreams that the transition will be smooth, and that the surgery will be a success, and they will eventually be separate, healthy, happy individuals.
At the same time, I am excited to see their little faces, and to touch their hair (if they have hair), and to tell Dave "I told you so," when they turn out looking exactly like him and Liam. :)
There are so many things to look forward to, and it seems like there are just as many, or more, things to worry about. But these are just my ramblings, and hopefully we will have good news on Tuesday, July 16th, 2013.